To Whom It May Concern (for “mataray” people like me and those trying hard to project they’re nice)

The problem with being tagged as “mataray” is that you never seem to get out of it no matter how “good” you try to become.

Or maybe the real problem is- you try so hard to change the way people think of you, not realizing you know yourself better to even succumb to the pressure of change.

I’ve been tagged as such for as long as I can imagine. In fact, I’m yet to meet that one person who would tell me that his or her first impression of me is that I’m kind.

I don’t take pride in being regarded to as “mataray”. It’s not something you get used to and be proud about.

Truth is, it’s difficult to handle it sometimes.

Because there will come a day when you just want to be good, and people will always doubt if you’re being true. Because there will be times you wouldn’t have the energy, the will or the desire to fight back- and people will laugh and say you’re being “mataray” is nothing after all.

But what people don’t understand is that when you start tagging others as bad people- you box them in a way. When you close your mind to thinking that this person will never do you any good just because you heard he or she’s evil- you limit the opportunity to get to know that person.

It’s not really my loss when others refuse to know me beyond the kind of reputation others have been trying so hard to build for myself.

Because I think, that I build my own reputation.

I would admit that I really am “mataray,” but I’m not like that all the time. I wouldn’t deny that I have been bad- but I’m not bad everyday.
And I would say I am tough and brave and I can put you into shame if I wanted to, but there’s always a choice to rise above the pettiness of things.

I can always choose my battles.

When you start to age, it’s somehow imperative to age wiser. Otherwise, there’s no point in growing old if how you look at and how you do things don’t change overtime.
When I was younger, I wouldn’t mind picking a fight with the most famous girls in school. When I became a teenager, I’d spend all my energy dropping hurtful words to people I dislike. And as years went by, I moved on from being talkative when I’m mad- to being quiet and nonchalant.

I wouldn’t say that today, I have matured enough not to pick a fight. I can still choose to call you and hurt you with things I’ll say if I feel you’ve been acting weird and you needed someone frank enough to tell you that. I’m not really two-faced but I can be one if I wanted to.

The problem is, I have realized in life, being “mataray” or trying to be one is not the benchmark of being brave.

Sure we can shout at each other, wash our dirty linen in public. We can do all that, but at the end of it all can you truly say you were right, you were strong- and I was weak and I was wrong?

There’s always a right place and time to be bad- and you don’t learn that overnight.

It has never been my habit to go around telling people I’m good, because I know I’m not.
Well, who among us is entirely good anyway without a little evilness even in our minds?
But yes, I know of people who despite being obviously coward, can go around and say they are nice. Or make themselves appear they are one.

Well, the good thing about being tagged as “mataray,” is that you can be one without even trying. You don’t have to pretend you’re strong enough coz people already think of you as being that. On the other hand, you can also be weak and be made fun of, when others succeed to make you feel inferior at times. Only that in the end, despite being weak- you will always be known as the “mataray” one. You will, in the mind of others, always be the evil one.

Because the society we live in is so immature, that it does not forgive nor forget how they’ve come to know you. And they will refuse to think others may even be worse than you- just because they weren’t tagged negatively in any way.

My Mom told me as early as 2nd grade that I have to learn how to choose my battles. Simply put she said, “anak hindi mo kailangan patulan lahat.”

Coz truth is, while I’m known to be “mataray,” I don’t engage in public scandal. I never had the habit of putting people into shame. It’s not my thing to wash dirty linen in public. I can talk and write things like this for as much as I want- and you can only second guess if I was talking about you. Or if I was even talking about anything specific after all.

I guess what’s pitiful is not the fact that you learned something valuable and true from your mom and put it into action. It’s not pitiful to choose to do what is right.
It’s not pitiful to keep quiet rather than live the next days of your life defending yourself for being loud and well, cheap.

What is pitiful is to see the “good” ones try so hard to make you appear bad, just because they didn’t understand what you truly meant.
What is pitiful is to see the “good” ones try so hard to be an inch like you, to prove something to themselves. What is pitiful are not mothers who have children like me, but mothers who have children pretending to be good in front of them.

The world can say anything about me – and it’s always my choice to act accordingly.

And if it was my choice not to pick a fight with you,
it’s my way of being brave and good- at the right place and time. =)

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Filtering Friends

At a certain point in our lives, we will have to filter the people we surround ourselves with. In short, we choose who we want to grow old with, and who we want gone forever.

It’s that innate power in each of us to choose what we think will be best for us in the long run, that we give in and surrender.

I remember the first time I realized I had that power. I messed it up and made choices I regretted later on.

But it comes with age- that you master the art of letting go. At a certain point in our lives, we will put up barriers and walls and we will move on. There will always come a time when people you thought you can trust will betray you- and you just have to let them go lest you run the risk of getting betrayed over and over again.

I could not count with my bare hands the number of people I’ve shut down. And on second thought, It’s not really about burning bridges- but about loving myself more than any of them, so as to think of what’s best for me than get the recognition of an unworthy few.

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Love, oh Love ♡♥

“I don’t pretend to know what love is for everyone but I can tell you what it is for me-

Love is knowing all about someone and still wanting to be with them more than any other person.

Love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself,including the things you might be ashamed of.

Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

(Quoting a friend, Theresa Salud from Facebook)

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She’s right here, I’m right here (Ne-Yo &Brandy)

Heard this song on the radio on my way to a wedding coverage yesterday. Thought it would be very fitting for me, now that I have found that one man I will truly love for now and forever, and beyond it. 🙂

[Verse 1: ~Ne-Yo~]
The sun stops shining*
And the sky starts falling
And the world stops spinning
And she’s right here, she’s right here
Stars stop twinkling
And the ocean is dry
The wind stops blowing
And she’s right here, she’s right here

Come what may, come what will
Come whatever, she’ll be right here still
So when I get old, the world gets cold
One thing I know
She’s right here, she’s right here

No matter what the world decides to throw at me
She’s right here
There’s only one thing I can guarantee
She’s right here
Who I can depend on and just where she’ll be
Said she’s right here
She’s right here, she’s right here
She’s right here

[Verse 2: ~Brandy~]
The fans stop screaming
And the checks stop coming
The records stop selling
And I’m right here, I’m right here
My belly starts growing
And all my clothes don’t fit no more
But I’m right here, I’m right here

[ Ne-Yo Lyrics are found on ]
Come what may, come what will
Come whatever, ill be right here still
So when I get old, the world gets cold
One thing I know
I’m right here, I’m right here

No matter what the world decides to throw at me
I’m right here
There’s only one thing I can guarantee
I’m right here
Boy you can depend on and just where I’ll be
I’m right here, I’m right here, I’m right here

[Bridge: ~Ne-Yo & Brandy~]
Through my good days
Through my bad days
And in between
When the Kingdom is crumbling
I’m still a Queen
Said at my worst or at my best
Cause both she’s seen
I said it really don’t matter
I don’t care
Cause the loves in me

No matter what the world decides to throw at me
I’m right here
There’s only one thing I can guarantee
I’m right here
Boy you can depend on and just where I’ll be
I’m right here, I’m right here
I’m right here, I’m right here
I’m right here
She’s right here… I’m right here……

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A Difficult Breakup

This morning we were set to part ways.

Our breakup was something we knew was coming since May or June this year. We’ve prepared ourselves for this day- by not seeing each other as often as before, or spending time together.

But just when I thought we both were ready for this- he acts up, as if asking me to take him back in my arms. And yes, the sucker for love in me accepts him back- with arms wide open, as the song goes.

Meet my Mac.

I was supposed to sell Mac today to a colleague. Before I did, I made sure it was up and running (save for the useless battery and charger). But as soon as I plugged it into the socket (using my sister’s charger), Mac won’t open up.

It took it more than 30 minutes to finally start up. I took it as a sign, that Mac wasn’t ready as I thought it was, to let me go.

But on second thought I would say, that it must have been me who wasn’t. I wasn’t ready to let go of my Mac despite the headaches it has given me. I wasn’t ready to let it go- because it has been my constant companion, maybe the most constant companion I’ve ever had since I secluded myself from socializing with friends some years back.

It has been witness to my joys, and my pains. It saw me laugh and cry. And the stains on the cover of my white Mac are proof of lazy days and nights, of times when I was too childish to care about anything- yes, even Mac.

Like any other breakup- I wanted to let Mac go because it has been causing me so much pain. I didn’t want to spend extra money to buy another charger and battery (which together costs P12,000) or spend another 500 bucks just to get the CD player running. I didn’t want to buy a new cover to cover up the stains, or spend another thousand to buy a good laptop cleaner.

I was hoping against hope that money to make it look brand new would just fall from the heavens- and yes, the iPad my iPad I named pink was also taking my attention away from the good old reliable Mac.

And so I thought letting it go would end all my problems. Of course it will, because by then it would be somebody else’s problem to answer the repair costs. But then, the bottom line is- I WILL MISS MY MAC.

Just seeing it open up this morning after a good 30 minutes or so, brought back memories of the very first day I saw it. It brought back memories of the day I couldn’t let it leave my fingertips. I remember the days I first played with photo booth, the nights I would download software updates, and the days I would wish I can save enough money to buy it a really pretty laptop bag.

I don’t really believe in second chances, but because my Mac has been that reliable- probably, more reliable and constant than any friend or boyfriend I’ve ever had, I am willing to take it back the second, third, fourth or even 100th time.

Of course, as long as it is alive too.

Tweet Blog (1)

Since I don’t have much time to write, here’s my quick blogpost for now 🙂

Entry #1
So far my year’s best buys are my Blackberry Bold 2 and iPad. I can’t live without the BB, the iPad, I can actually live without.

Cebu for the nth time on my 27th day is love. I am blessed in every way. Taken, all over again 🙂

Bohol is majestic! Will be back for the beach tour though.

Social media-Twitter and FB opened me up to a huge number of Kapuso friends. Thanks for the support, guys!

Twitter is my online daily journal. I think the only things I write beyond 140char these days are my news scripts.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld